One of the Irregulars

A few times in my life I have gone through the blogspot/blogger network and clicked whatever the button is for 'next blog.' It had been a bit of a weird experience every time I'd reach one that was updated sometimes 3 days in one week, then 2 months later, then 6 months after that. There was no real common thread to the entries.

I'm beginning to understand a little bit better now just how that can happen.

The first blog I had, had a dedicated purpose. Granted, it took me a little bit longer to finish the blog than the trip that it was devoted to, but I no longer had designated time (or wireless internet, for that matter... it wasn't quite so ubiquitous in 2006) for such activities. It made sense to me though, that I had a point to what I was writing.

Now, I find that I don't really have a point. Sometimes I think of things that I'd like to write, but I'm not sure how I'd like to treat them. Once I get an idea of how to approach it, something else has come up, and I fail to make even the attempt at entering it. It's bizarre.

Another question that I raise quite frequently with myself, is just how I want to treat this blog. I think I may have referenced it in a previous entry (one of the few, I know), but is it something that I want people to read? Is it some kind of personal diary intended to be private that I have somehow 'conveniently' forgotten to set as such? I'm not planning on writing anything too personal or explicit, but to bare my soul and even my innermost mental meanderings, questions, insecurities, etc--even in a vague way--is sort of a big question. And believe me when I say this, there are a lot of the aformentioned. Don't get me wrong though, there may not be any more than the average person, but my mind gets bogged down. Maybe other people just handle them better.

Speaking of bogged down minds, part of the reason the idea of how to treat this comes up is because I feel like I need an outlet for them. Sure, I could write them down in a journal stuffed in a corner near my bed and peruse them at my leisure later, but there's very little danger of another human being happening upon those deep, dark thoughts. Here, there's a little danger, some mystery, a fear of the unknown that's creeping in/out (whichever). It's still true that I haven't told anyone to 'check out my new blog!' and that is unlikely to ever happen. But I have, and still occasionally do direct people to my road trip blog. In the back of my head I know that anyone who goes there and checks my profile will see a link to my other blogs. I could probably figure out a way to disable that, but I'm internally at odds with that. The part that wants to leave that window open (perhaps the lazy part, as well) is winning, obviously.

All of this being said, things in my life are finally starting to make some strange kind of sense. That doesn't mean that I have the self-confidence that I should, it simply means that I don't feel quite so out of place. In the puzzle that is my life, I still definitely feel that there are pieces either missing or turned around. It's extremely difficult to suss out just what it is that's not right when all that you've got is a vague feeling. I mean sure, there are obvious things, but those don't matter as much when stepping back to see the whole picture.

Or maybe they do. Maybe it's addressing each one of the small things that can clear up the big picture. Maybe what I just realized is that in the puzzle analogy, I need to examine each of the pieces to ensure that it aligns properly with the adjacent pieces. Maybe in so doing, the big picture will resolve itself.

Here comes the cynic:

Or maybe I'm just a self-centered American who feels a giant sense of entitlement toward the happiness that the media has for so long promised.

Well, I know this much for certain: I don't know. Both are probably true, to some degree.

Sometimes it seems that Socrates had it all right. He claimed that he wasn't wise, but was in the pursuit of wisdom. He would question people who did claim wisdom until they realized how foolish their beliefs really were.

I'm all over the place tonight. It occurred to me that I have a rant about shades of grey, but maybe that'll be for another time. I feel like this has been in some way productive.

Thank you, internet.